Colbert-isms

"Christians go to Heaven, specifically Catholics."

Stephen Colbert: "God is a woman, and now he's an illegal immigrant?!"
Anne Lamott: "I'm from San Francisco!"
Stephen Colbert: "There it is."

On Jenna Bush's wedding: "Jenna, Henry, you two remind me of myself...in that I've always wanted to marry myself."

To Psychology Icon Philip Zimbardo: "I teach Sunday school, motherfucker!"

"Corn + Magic = Gasoline."

"The sky is blue because it's God's favorite color!"

"Well, first of all, what is dark matter? Because I don't see the color of matter."

"Why do they make fluorescent light bulbs look like soft-serve ice cream if you're not supposed to lick them?"

"Who's pooping in our pools? My guess - the elusive Poopacabra."

"Nation, if you're like me, you have your Google alarm set on 'Ryan Seacrest' and 'animal attack.'"

"Oh Lord, please help our athletes bring home the gold - enough gold so we can melt it down and buy back our economy from the Chinese. And as always Lord, give me thick, luscious hair and a rockin' bod."

"If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money."