I've moved.

Anticipation

Friends, expect to hear this reason for my flakiness for the next 8 months:

"I can't. I'm watching the game."

It's not just for guys anymore.

Peace. :)

& Anticipation.

The NBA is upon us.

What Haunts Me Most...

I need to step back from everything,

reflect,

and retain.

This semester has been nothing but MEDIOCRE,

and that is utterly

unacceptable.

I want

another perfect semester.

I need

to prove to myself that it's gonna happen again,

not because the stars were aligned,

but because I worked my ass off.

I won't let that be the first and last time.

The Dean's List is gonna have to make a spot for me.

Again.

Fuck this mediocrity.

I know I can do better.

And I'm starting now.

The Fisherman Song

*Edit: OMG, this song is dripping with religious allusions. I love it even more. :) You've outdone yourself with this one, boys.

"The Fisherman Song (We All Need Love)"

by Mae (duh)

Tonight I find it hard to sleep,

each sound and squeak I hear

keeps me staring at the ceiling.

Oh, it's dark as night outside

and I can't stand the quiet it brings me.

And I've got too much on my mind,

I think it's time to take a drive

and leave it all behind.

I've got a song that's halfway there

and I think it needs the ocean air.

I'm going to grab my guitar

and get in my car.

Oh, I need some understanding.

I need a little love.

Gonna speed down to the ocean side

in a race with the stars above.

With my guitar in hand

and toes touching the sand,

I can see the sun is coming.

Colors fill and crack the sky

with purple, silver, and golden light,

drawing the day from night.

On the shoreline a fisherman

with bait in his line

and a rod in his hand

is ready to greet the day.

He turns around to notice me

and the two of us

are patiently waiting for the sun's rays.

Oh, I just need some understanding

and a little love.

And somehow I am thinking now

I could get what I've been dreaming of.

But this fisherman is closing in,

I think he could be crazy.

He says,

"Won't you ride with me,

oh I could use the company.

I've got a fish to catch

and you have got a song to sing."

His eyes were anchors as the boat would sway,

"What would you like to say?

You have my attention."

"I see you came out here to write your song,

but you don't have too long,

so show me what you're working with.

I'd like to give you a little something

and you may think it's nothing on first listen:

In the time it takes for you to make love,

you could break love, waste love,

and throw it all away.

But all you need is faith,

and hope will bring a brighter day.

And every time that you love,

let it lift someone else up.

If somebody tries to burn you,

give him your hand in turn

and pick him up when he's all alone.

Now if you find yourself getting frustrated,

try not to get too jaded,

or you could go 'insane' like me."

"I tell you man, you must be crazy.

Or am I always lazy when it comes to love?

With every failure and turning tide

I toss the boomerang, but ah,

it never comes back to me.

So have some faith you say,

and hope will find it's way?

Well, I doubt what you're sure of then.

And it seems to me

the greatest of these is love...

but it's so hard to love."

Well, we were sitting on his boat,

our backs to each other,

he was giving me a little time.

And all that he said

was hurting my head,

wondering how to leave the selfishness behind.

All that I could say is:

"It's so hard to love...

the way that you want me to."

I stepped off the boat and thanked the man,

not sure what I was thankful for.

When I turned back around to see him again,

he was already gone.

Walking back from the water to my guitar,

that's when the light came on.

I knew what he was talking about,

I knew how to finish my song.

Oh, I just need some understanding.

I need a little love.

And I want to sing my song to somebody

who doubts what they're made of.

Oh, we all need some understanding.

We all need love.

We all need love.

Destination: Beautiful

On a Rainy Day

Finding sanctuary in the music library, I look out the water-stained window to observe.

It's an outright war out there. My peers dodge left and right, side-stepping puddles and slippery concrete. In the sea of umbrellas, a handful give in, folding outwards to succumb to the rain's relentless downpour. It's quite obvious that we're losing.

But the destruction is beautiful. Water droplets form white sheets of virtual bullets. How can something so beautiful be so...destructive?

Rainstorms always remind me of home. I was happier to see rainy days because that meant classes would be canceled. My siblings and I would stay home, doing absolutely nothing as we waited for the electricity to come back on, snacking on what should have been our days' baon. Those were happier times. Now, I realize that my rainy day celebrations equated to the complete upheaval of the lives of other families.

(Eerie: Pandora just started playing Rihanna's "Umbrella.")

I still wish for it to rain, don't get me wrong. Being in California would be utterly unbearable if everyday was just so sickly sunshine-y (Seattle, anyone?). I guess I'm just not too blatant about it anymore. :)

Someone to Gush Over

Met Gabe Bondoc today.

I managed to stammer, "Thanks for coming."

:(

I'm a dork.

Sigh.

Check him out, though. I know I did. Hah.

Ugh.

Dear,

I am not here to entertain you.

Why are you acting like I owe it to you to be so damn...available?

You do your own thing; I'll do my own.

Stop making me feel like I'm obliged to make sure you're always so damn happy.

I got my own life to worry about.

Crossroads

This weekend, I hung out with folks from first grade in the Philippines.

Yep, first grade. That was fifteen years ago. Who would've ever thought that our paths would cross again? Who would've thought that our memories of each other remain strong to this day, even though we were but 6-year-olds when we last interacted?

Twists of fate such as this make my spine tingle with excitement, fear, and awe. I shudder to think about the what-could've-beens not because I'm afraid of what I missed out on, but because I'm afraid of the person that I could have become (Does that make sense?).

Aside from fleeting nostalgia, a multi-layered struggle washed over me this weekend. I struggled to remember several people who knew exactly who I was, and who remembered me for being the smart one. The responsible one. The one who always did things right. I struggled to improve my conversational Kapampangan to feel more included in their culture. And I struggled to catch up to their friendships that blossomed without me.

I am happy to be reunited with these people. After a long time, they have ceased to become mere shadows in my past; now, they welcome me, and who am I to deny friendship they so willingly offer me a second time?

Twenty-One

Disney cupcakes for all my lovely friends who wish me a happy birthday. ♥

Bright Litte Rays of Sunshine

for the confused,

annoyed,

desperate,

outraged,

and fed up little grouch in me.

Enjoy.

(What I wish for - rainy, autumn afternoons.)

(Periodic Table sweater for my pre-med roomies. :) Yes, including you, Neha.)

(What I could be for Halloween.)

A Part, Apart

I've found that it is difficult to please everyone, and it is even more difficult to defend something that you love to the strongest of detractors.

Maybe because I've grown to be so different. Maybe because I've fallen in love with something so different. Either way, I try to find the best in any situation because misery is a sad, sad state to stay too long in.

--

This summer, I've traveled California more than I ever have since my family moved here. Even though we're technically taking my visiting aunt around, I feel like it is I who's genuinely enjoying the sightseeing. I went to Griffith Park for the first time, and I definitely want to go back, hike the trail to the Hollywood sign, and look up at the stars. Someday, someday.

--

Something cute:

Something Punny

Which way?

Fireflies

Loving a song
and not being able to shake it off your system
is the best feeling in the world. :)

Friends, I give you Fireflies by Owl City.

You would not believe your eyes
if ten million fireflies
lit up the world as I fell asleep.

'Cause they fill the open air
and leave tear drops everywhere
You'd think me rude
but I would just stand and stare.

'Cause I get a thousand hugs
from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they try to teach me how to dance.

A foxtrot above my head
a sockhop beneath my bed
the disco ball is just hanging by a thread.

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes.
I got misty eyes as they said farewell.

But I know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keem 'em in a jar.

I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns slowly.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems.

Fire Up the Senses

On the prowl for amazing photoblogs.

Here's one: [daily dose of imagery].

Because heaven knows it can't hurt to look at something beautiful every now and then.

Money for Nothing

I am on the final leg of this internship, and I am proud (and relieved?) to say that I've survived.

In many ways, it's been a marathon of an experience - a marathon of...finding ways to keep busy and to look busy, of pretending that what I'm doing really makes a difference, of cranking out impressive projects despite a lack of drive and an excess of procrastination, and of realizing that the energy industry - significant, powerful, wealthy, and frightening though it may be - is not for the likes of me (whew, that sentence was a marathon in itself!).

That this company's influence worldwide is immense, is undebatable. Its power reaches across continents, and it calls on only the most talented to steer its course.

Would it be possible to find a job in this huge company that would allow me to apply my psych degree?

Yes, most likely. HR and whatnot.

Will I ever be good enough to make my mark here?

Yes, in time, I think so.

Does it pay well?

Uhm. Well, let's put it this way. If they pay interns $3500 a month, just think of how much the real employees get paid. (Dang.) So the answer would be a resounding YES.

Lastly, is it rewarding? Will I be happy here?

...

Okay, so I guess here's how I'll phrase it: "This internship was a great learning experience. It opened up opportunities in an industry that I never really thought would have a place for me."

Save that. For the resume. And for the interviews.

I'd be lying to myself if I said I'd be walking away from this experience having learned NOTHING about myself. On the contrary, I think I learned a lot:

Maybe the corporate setting isn't for me. The 9-hour days spent in front of computer screens are physically and emotionally exhausting. Cubicles are oppressive; keyboards and mice are instruments of torture (WMDs); and if laminating 4x2 cards is the highlight of my day, I know I need to get the hell away. And quickly.

I'm never, ever gonna be interested in maintaining service stations, car washes, or refineries. Surveying every single detail in a convenience store is never gonna be my calling. And analyzing the height of my $800 chair and the angle of my seat pan is not something I want to do for a minute, let alone for the rest of my career.

This is why, in college, we pursue what we want to pursue. We chase our dreams and search for our callings, hoping that the learning experiences we have in college will somehow resemble what we face in the real world.

I am shaping my path now. Since I want to stay in academia, I am minoring in Education. And since I give a damn about politics and want to continue giving a damn, I'm minoring in Public Policy as well. The pieces are barely falling into place, but I hope that whatever happens...I won't have to go back to what I'm doing right now - updating my blog at work and not even slightly caring about what I actually need to be doing (putting up flu prevention posters in the breakrooms).

Two months ago, if you would've asked me to choose between money and my passions, I would be quick to say that I'd pick my passions no matter what. I believe in this now more than ever.

I've met quite a few people in my life who honestly believe that pursuing careers for money's sake is the way to go (Not gonna lie. Sadly, I have little patience and respect for these types of people.), and before...I'd just blow a fuse and launch a tirade on them. Now, I just feel...sorry for them. Because honestly, what's the point in your existence if you're working towards the destination and not even enjoying the journey?

Damn.

For two months of drumming my fingers on this table, that's pretty fucking deep.

David Yates and My Fantastically Ruined Childhood Memories

Harry Potter wouldn't stay put and do NOTHING when someone he cares for is being attacked by eleventy-hundred mothafjsgfg Death Eaters right before his eyes.

Hermione Granger doesn't get drunk.

You cannot call Alan Rickman's portrayal of Severus Snape fantastic when he was in the movie for five whole minutes.

"Do you want me to let him [Slughorn, collect me]?" I paraphrase, but...WHAT.THE.HELL? Harry would never say that.

Harry Potter rides trains for fun and hits on random waitresses. Right.

I didn't know that taking Felix Felicis = getting drunk off your ass.

What was the point of attacking the Burrow? I was utterly confused. What was the bloody point in that?

WHY CAST FENRIR GREYBACK WHEN YOU WON'T EVEN WRITE HIM INTO THE STORY?

No phoenix lament = no emotion. I did not care that Dumbledore died.

NO GAUNTS??????????????????????? Burn in Azkaban, you novel rapist! :/

HP 6 = utter fail.

Up

Pixar is veering further and further away from the laugh riots I was used to.

Although I appreciated Wall-E's intelligent attempts at social commentary (obesity and pollution in particular), I didn't appreciate how...it wasn't laugh-out-loud hilarious like certain parts of Toy Story or even Finding Nemo. All I remember are beeping robots and mountains of trash.

Up lacks the same sense of humor that has historically drawn me to Pixar's movies. It deals with mortality and loneliness in a way that no Disney or Pixar movie ever has, and it is powerful and frightening for that reason.

Nonetheless, it's a deeply beautiful and touching movie. It's a tale of loving to the fullest - and learning to let go when that love has run its course. A new adventure comes after one ends; we just have to learn to look forward and not let the past weigh us down.

PS: Russell made the movie. Is he the first Asian in a Pixar movie? The first Asian Disney character since Mulan? Either way, he's hilarious. He reminds me of my little brother. :)

Summer

Summer so far, summed up in a pie chart.

You Are Who You Are With

More than once I've stopped to wonder who I surround myself with. There are some who spout The Office quotes and Mae lyrics back and forth with me. There are some who challenge me intellectually. There are some who share my passion for giving back. And then there are some who...are so different from me.

I feel myself changing when I'm around them. I downplay my keen observations, I talk about the pedestrian, and I focus on what I think they're interested in. In short, I pander to this crowd. In search of what? Acceptance? Belonging? Understanding?

Sometimes it's hard to even understand why I spend time with these people since I feel like I can't be myself around them. 

But generalization never did anything good for society. And every time I try to walk away, they prove to me that this is worth investing in. 

It'd be interesting to see - maybe 10, 20 years from now - where we all end up as individuals. Rifts exist between us all, and I'm sure they'll manifest themselves as we move forward as adults.

What will we be like in the future? Is this unnamed bond enough to keep us together? Or will our differences tear us apart?

I can't say which I prefer.

Dead to Me

aaand i'm so sick

of being sick

of being caught up

in this

f u c k i n g

(now)

unrequited-ass

love.

it's worse

than

O 
C
D

how i try

to suppress

what's in my head.

give me

a pensieve

so i

can 

make you

d i s a p p e a r

forever,

please.

this hurting

is too much.

this stupidity

is too much.

this repetitiveness

is too much.

if i could

S C R E A M

it all away,

if i could

C R Y

it all away,

YOU

would've been

dead

a year ago.

Illusions

So. Las Vegas. What does Las Vegas mean? A quick Wikipedia consultation yields: "The Meadows." Imagine that. I thought it'd be something raunchier.

The lights were beautiful. The buildings were majestic. The sights fantastic, the people unique, and the atmosphere unbelievable.

All in all, it was so utterly...wasteful. Despite the attractions, the towers, the hotels, the buildings, to me Las Vegas remains a meadow of wastefulness. People go there to forget - their problems, their worries, themselves. 

People go there to waste away. They forget who they are for the sake of quick pleasures, and they leave the city twice as miserable as they were before they came.

Maybe the big names and the bright lights are enough to captivate me for a quick second, but in reality Las Vegas to me is a wasteland. The casinos fill up with people who waste their time and their money, and the sidewalks crowd with tourists who want to be part of the wasteland - that teeming black hole that sucks in the vulnerable.

The sights, the sounds, and the flavors of that weekend were indeed memorable, though fleeting. What I walked away with, however, is something I deem far more valuable than anything in that city of illusions.

--

Dear Friends,

I know I have kept my distance these past few years. For that I am sorry. I let myself become enraptured in a brittle romance, and I let myself believe that I was better off without you.

Thank you for once again taking me in. You are my family. Your roars of laughter are my comfort. Your embraces are my reassurance.

Bianca

Live for the PASSion

We made plans to be unbreakable,

Love was all we knew.

No insurance for the unthinkable,

Blindly gets us through.

This year started out with unbreakable plans, hopes, assumptions, and dreams.

Every single one of them came crashing down.

Wishful thinking list:

- romantic revival

- hassle-free housing

- vindicative vacation

Every single one of these plans fell through beautifully. Was it entirely my fault? Yes, that could be assumed. Could it be helped? No. Absolutely not. I was asking for trouble, and I ended up (rightfully) in tears.

But if I focus on the negatives, I'd be more predisposed to a downward spiral of depression; thankfully, I'm not too big on pessimism. :]

This year - apart from proving to be breakable - was an aMAEzing learning experience. I dabbled with the unfamiliar, broke through self-imposed boundaries, and enjoyed myself in the process.

This year was a year of firsts - first Cal football game, first spontaneous midnight rendezvous, first rock concert [aMAEzing], first 4.0, first job interviews, first rejections, first misled crushes, etcetera, etcetera. It goes on. One thing that shouldn't be lumped into this list, however, is PASS and my enlightening first semester as a proud part of it. 

PASS and I had a rocky start. As with anything new, it was difficult to find my place and my voice. I seldom felt comfortable around other people, and I almost always longed for the meetings to end as soon as they started.

I don't know what changed. Maybe it was the people - the wonderful people who welcomed me with open arms and always had smiles on their faces whenever they would see me. Maybe it was the sense of community - one rise, one fall. Or maybe it was the organization itself; maybe the objective of "dedication to the recruitment and retention of Pilipinos into higher education" resonated in me and awokened in me a passion I didn't realize was there. 

Whatever it was, I'm grateful it happened. I can honestly and happily say that I have found my home in Berkeley, and it is with PASS.

[photo credit to rita zhang]

MySpace

私のばしょはどこ？

Where is my space? Where do I belong?

Who am I turning into?

Is this transformation something I'm comfortable with?

Who am I doing this for, really? Is this going to benefit me? Is this going to benefit other people? (gosh, I hope so...)

No matter how much THEY claim that THEY'RE not exclusive, it's an inescapable fact that THEY are, indeed, exclusive.

And I understand that. As humans, we're geared to detest changes. We're wired to be skeptical of what's foreign to us.

I think that's exactly what I am to them - foreign.

Who am I to them? I hardly talk, I fail to hug every single person in the room, and I don't feel quite the same urge as they do to jump up and down every time someone says the word "energizer."

I am just there. I listen. I take notes. I try.

I try to belong.

They say they appreciate the fact that I try. They label me - courageous, beautiful, eager, bursting with potential. Maybe it was all just lip service.

Mind the Gap

Somewhere along the way, I fell off the bandwagon.

R e m i n i s c e n c e .

Feelings you never forget.

There's this big G A P that's developed between myself and my childhood friends. Miles and miles separate us from one another, but it's not the physical distance that hurts; it's the ideological, emotional, and intellectual changes. It's also little things like slang words I'll never catch on to, inside jokes I'll never get, pet names, senior year excursions, etcetera, etcetera.

But I love them nonetheless.

I won't deny the fact that I've been drifting away from my once fervent belief in Catholicism. That was a big jump I experienced - an upheaval of sorts...when I transitioned from an all-girl Catholic school to a...public school nestled in the outskirts of a healthily commercial city. No more monthly First Friday masses, no more prayers before and after class, no more Angelus at noon...belief became optional.

Today I go to church on Sundays, hoping to capture some sort of inspiration to believe again - maybe from a verse...maybe from a homily. But from a song?

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow me
I will bring you home
I love you, and you are mine.

Songs. :) Songs connect me to my faith and my friends. We sang this song together, perhaps half-heartedly, in between fits of giggles and gossip, but nonetheless...together.

If my belief is contingent with their presence, does that leave no hope of re-connecting with my faith?

Who knows?

Cheers to 2011, and to the prospect of a homecoming.

Open Post

What does "community" mean to you?

In His Defense

Yes, I am alive. I'm just trying to find my way through this new year...this new semester. I've taken on new challenges, and I'm not completely sure if I understand who this new "me" is. Whatever I turn out to be, I won't regret it. Fo sho.

I'm looking for a job. With this economy, I know it's gonna take a while, though...but hopefully it'll happen.

Which brings me to this little scenario:

She cursed the economy. She can't find a job either, so she cursed...not just the economy, but the president himself.

"He hasn't done anything!" she said.

Okay, a month into Obama's presidency, I'm sure we've all realized that he's not just gonna wave a magic wand to make things okay again. Or have we?

The thing with "the public" is...it's not really aware of what goes on in the political realm. It has no incentive to. Still, it's really frustrating to see events unfurl as they do today: people who were enthusiastic about Obama's victory are now seething with impatience because he hasn't really done anything to help the economy recover.

Really? He hasn't done anything?

Who personally campaigned in the House for the stimulus bill? Who bargained and bickered with Republican congressmen and senators alike? Who repeatedly appeals to the media - to ultimately reach legislators - to speak strongly about the desperate need for the stimulus package? Who created an economic recovery team (with appointees from the UC regents and Boalt Hall) to plan...economic recovery?

No one, I guess. Because Obama hasn't done anything, right?

Get your head out of your ass. The president is busting his chops trying to get this thing through the House and the Senate. If you want immediate results that you're not getting, blame the Republicans for believing in their ideology, or for just plain ol' opposing the Democratic president.
Don't sit there and criticize a system whose mechanics you are ignorant of. SERIOUSLY. Either educate yourself, or don't participate in the democratic process at all.

Edit: If this post hasn't conveyed my thoughts, here's a cartoon. Hehehe...

Violet Hill

This is the second time I'm blogging about a Coldplay song. :) I have no idea what this means, but it is once again rife with religious imagery (chilling!), and it is so beautifully written.

Here's a link: http://www.aimini.net/view/?fid=X7N45C7mt8ui4fYtxKQE

Enjoy. And if you care to share what you think it might mean, please, I'm all ears.

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow, white snow

Clearly I remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze down below

When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low
If you love me won't you let me know

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And a fox became God

Priests clutched onto Bibles
Hollowed out to fit their rifles
And a cross was held aloft

Bury me in armour
When I'm dead and hit the ground
My nerves are poles that unfroze
And if you love me won't you let me know

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below
So if you love me why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still
Said if you love me, won't you let me know?
If you love me won't you let me know?

♥

Everybody's butthurt over the Lakers' loss, and they're taking it out on me.

i am not ready

growing up is hard.

you gots to deal with grown-up stuff.

like money issues. and jobs. and snuff like that.

me?

i'm not ready for this world.

take me back to 5th grade. st. scho pampanga. where all i worried about was...my crush's whereabouts.

take me back.

i know i'll never grow old at heart; but i wish i could do the same physically.

So Yesterday

I went back to Western High today. The 20-minute walk from my house was rife with memories (I hate this word officially), but I was blasting Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday" on Colbear, so it was aiiight. :)

The halls seemed...smaller than I remember, and the rooms seemed...more suffocating. Yet the sights and smells remained the same, and my mentors were as inspiring as ever.

One is still a happy hippie. You can never tell from the kindness in his eyes that he suffers from inside - his father is on his deathbed, and has been for a while. His room still bursts with color, and his walls remain proof of my high school years - my attempt at painting forever immortalized in a far corner.

One is still joyfully English. The first person to believe in me. :) She likes Twilight, but that's alright. She claims that she reads bad writing all day anyway, so she's used to it. I laughed out loud.

One is still delightfully stiff and Japanese. My first Sensei. Haha. You were right about everything, after all these years...and you know it.

I don't belong there anymore, but it was nice to look back and see...how tiny that cosmos was, and how much bigger my prospects are...now that I've broken free.

Enough is Enough is Enough

Ideas were flowing for this post, but then I looked back at my older entries...and realized that one too many write-ups were about you.

I've felt this way before. I've forced myself to forget you. Why is it so hard to accept? If only I had a Pensieve. Life would be so much easier. I would pull out all the memories that keep me from moving on, and keep the ones that portray you as the bitter person you are today. 

You've changed so much. I never thought you could be so capable of holding so much anger, so much grudge in your heart. Was it really so bad, what happened between us? Was it really enough to change your entire personality? 

There's nothing left for me to do. I've run out of options; I should've listened to my horoscope when I had the chance. Damn. Those things actually make sense sometimes.

Anyways, I'll try harder this time. I have no choice. :) Everything happens for a reason, as they say.

You know what? No matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many different advices they give to me, and no matter how much they comfort me and urge me to be strong, this is all on me. I can't ask my friends to block these memories in my head. I can't ask them to hold on to my heart for me and wipe it clean of any lingering emotions.

It is so hard, though. (That's what she said.)

How long does it take to get over your first relationship? Mothaaaaa.

Haha.

I want it to end NOW. :( It sucks. And I'm getting impatient with myself. 

It's easier on me if I pretend that you've died. Because in a way, I guess you have. The person that I loved is gone. All that's left is this...replacement. An angry, angry replacement.

It's gonna end, right? Soon? This pain's gonna go away?

Anyways, you know what's sad? I've accomplished the most amazing thing in my life, and it's been shadowed by all this drama. I'M A DEAN'S LISTER, baby. :) Life is good. No, it really is. Or it should be...